I walk through the crowded streets occasionally bumping shoulders with another person. I accept the little curses sent my way with open arms because those words now a days seem better than none.
Rain courses down through the gutters and onto the cobble stone streets as the shadowed sky cries down onto the hustle bustle of the streets of Paris. Everyone seems to have a purpose, a place where they belong in this city.
A home to come back to after a long day of work, a store to work in that has opened its doors late into the night. I stare down at my feet as they whisk up bits of water into the air every step that I take. It was only a moment, but when I looked back up everyone had disappeared. Shadows of the night began swallowing the shops around me and a fog started to settle in.
It was dusk not too long ago but the time in here is a lot faster than out there. I try to remember the faces of the ones I had seen, but they all seem to elude me and leave me alone again in this nonexistence. For you see I am invisible to everyone and everything and I have been since I can remember. You can feel me, but I cannot you.
I walk among you and I talk just like you, but yet no matter what I try I can never be seen. I have stayed here,watching maybe waiting, waiting for one more chance I know will never come.
For I have been lost in Paris among no souls either living or passed. I have walked these streets alone, and wanting for what I used to have. I used to be an artist, way back in the day and now I'm just lost in my way.
I can tell you that here, in Paris it is so beautiful and exciting to admire, but my heart begins to fade as so is this fire. It's beginning to get cold out in these rain soaked streets, either with tears or with the chilled rain.
Living in Paris was not all in vain, I feel myself slipping, and falling away I hope to live again in Paris one day, away from all my pain.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Help me Help You
Lets talk for realzies this time like real hardcore real real.
I am not going to hide it like my parents do.. Shoving the unwanted mess into the closet... Because we all know that if we don't see it, it must not be there.
Well IT IS there and will always be there. It's always going to be the elephant in the room as we sit and eat dinner. The elephant in the room as we talk about who is going to give you a ride home because we all know you got your license suspended. THE elephant in the room when we all know you only go to hang out with your "friends" on the weekends so you can drink, become drunk and pass out a couple hours later on somebody's couch.
The elephant in the room because I have an alcoholic sister.
I have a sister who lies to me without batting an eye. I have a sister who was angry when I found out she was in jail because she wants me to see her as some bullshitty rolemodel. If she "loved" me that much why does she despise hanging around me SO much?!
I have a sister who will only tell you what you "want" to hear, because everything else takes effort. I have a sister who used to be my best friend. I have a sister who everyone wants to hear about what she is doing with her life. What the hell am I supposed to say? "Ah yeah my sister is doing great spending her birthday in jail and lying in a drunken stupor on the weekends while you just got off your mission".
I have a sister who used to listen to what I would say. I have a sister who used to hug me and not push me away from her. I have a sister who knows what hell she is putting my parents through and continues to do it. I have a sister who puts the self in selfie because it is all about her.
I have a sister who makes me cry at night as I wonder what all time low it is going to take to get my beloved sister back. I have a sister who will not let me help her.
Please, Help me Help you.
I am not going to hide it like my parents do.. Shoving the unwanted mess into the closet... Because we all know that if we don't see it, it must not be there.
Well IT IS there and will always be there. It's always going to be the elephant in the room as we sit and eat dinner. The elephant in the room as we talk about who is going to give you a ride home because we all know you got your license suspended. THE elephant in the room when we all know you only go to hang out with your "friends" on the weekends so you can drink, become drunk and pass out a couple hours later on somebody's couch.
The elephant in the room because I have an alcoholic sister.
I have a sister who lies to me without batting an eye. I have a sister who was angry when I found out she was in jail because she wants me to see her as some bullshitty rolemodel. If she "loved" me that much why does she despise hanging around me SO much?!
I have a sister who will only tell you what you "want" to hear, because everything else takes effort. I have a sister who used to be my best friend. I have a sister who everyone wants to hear about what she is doing with her life. What the hell am I supposed to say? "Ah yeah my sister is doing great spending her birthday in jail and lying in a drunken stupor on the weekends while you just got off your mission".
I have a sister who used to listen to what I would say. I have a sister who used to hug me and not push me away from her. I have a sister who knows what hell she is putting my parents through and continues to do it. I have a sister who puts the self in selfie because it is all about her.
I have a sister who makes me cry at night as I wonder what all time low it is going to take to get my beloved sister back. I have a sister who will not let me help her.
Please, Help me Help you.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
How To Become A Writer Because Hobos Terrify Me
Hi. Yes hello and welcome to yeah... whatever this is. Its rlly gr8 and full of things. This might be filled with good persons, places or things but the likely hood of that is slim to none. Leave now if you really care because nothing ever done in the name of science is legal. *wink wink* Don't spend all your money on booze because the bible says not to. Well Duh.
Yeah this is pretty much just a land of forgotten words that always disappear after blacking out drunk.
I was going to put a inspirational story that I wrote when I was in 8th grade here, on this very post!! but it wasn't very inspirational and made like no sense at all. I can become a writer eh? Yeah and get inspired by paintings that were drawn up by dead men who we all know were taking a little too much weed.
Here I'll bestow some advice that I got from a hobo site.
Learn the hobo code. Don't hesitate to dumpster dive.
Why even take advice from hobos? We all know we walk on the opposite side of the road because I don't want their filthy words all up in my grill.
Yep absolutely thrilling.
Does this make me a writer Now?
I guess you wouldn't care really now would you.
I think I am a genuinely happy person, so why can I only write about pain and death? "I dunno ya weirdo, no one cares!"
I'm a writer and you're a writer, heck I'm even a jack o lantern.
There are no guidelines, no wikihow to become a writer in 6 steps (even though I bet a million dollars there is one) so. just. yeah. be whatever all right?
Do step one and then bam. yep, you sir won the prize
because now you are an
artist.
Yeah I did it, I went there
When you get back, please tell me how you're trip was.
In My Heart
"Hi, my name is Cameron" he said as he shone a goofy smile my way. His calming blue eyes twinkled as the sun gazed upon them and happiness beamed from his face.
He was my best friend and my first love...
We hiked slowly through the dead brush and began to climb this hill. The sun began to set but kept shining and the heat tickled my face pink. We continued towards the park that lay on the top of this hillside and with each step he always turned back to make sure I wasn't too far behind.
We reached the top and looked over the city that spread out below us. Lights began to sizzle as the shade of darkness enclosed the valley.
We walked over to a wooden platform that rests at the top of the hill overlooking the cities scooped into valleys on either side of us. We sat on the edge of the platform and watched as darkness began to wake up the city's lights, and as cars zoomed through the streets.
It was silent as we sat together as if the world had fallen asleep as the lights of the night had come out to play.
I sat so close to him that I could feel the soft heat emanating off of him almost as if enticing me. Pure childish giddy spread across my face and soon that space between us no longer cried out. His presence sent chills up my spine and he embraced me slowly as we sat and peered down into the city.
I came close to his chest and took comfort in the strong, consistent beating of his heart and with each breath his chest glided in and out. He smelled fresh and sweet like the earth after it was bathed in rain.
He began to point out to lights which had looked so familiar in the day, but have seemed to transform in the night. We guessed the neighborhoods and which store was which, followed by the occasional laugh that vibrated through his chest and tickled my face.
Awhile later we began to walk down the hill and through the streets until we got to the fork in the road where we went separate ways. We stood underneath a lamppost with the orange light illumining us in the darkened night.
He stared down into my eyes and a playful smile crept onto his face. He held me close in a last embrace. He pulled back softly holding my hands in his, he began to lean towards me and kissed me softly.
He departed slowly and with step he took I missed him more and yearned to feel his embrace. After standing still under the pale orange light for a few minutes I began to walk home.
My whole body buzzed with excitement as I jumped a fence, walked into my house and got ready to sleep.
That was the last time I ever saw my beloved friend; he died the next day.
He was my best friend and my first love...
We hiked slowly through the dead brush and began to climb this hill. The sun began to set but kept shining and the heat tickled my face pink. We continued towards the park that lay on the top of this hillside and with each step he always turned back to make sure I wasn't too far behind.
We reached the top and looked over the city that spread out below us. Lights began to sizzle as the shade of darkness enclosed the valley.
We walked over to a wooden platform that rests at the top of the hill overlooking the cities scooped into valleys on either side of us. We sat on the edge of the platform and watched as darkness began to wake up the city's lights, and as cars zoomed through the streets.
It was silent as we sat together as if the world had fallen asleep as the lights of the night had come out to play.
I sat so close to him that I could feel the soft heat emanating off of him almost as if enticing me. Pure childish giddy spread across my face and soon that space between us no longer cried out. His presence sent chills up my spine and he embraced me slowly as we sat and peered down into the city.
I came close to his chest and took comfort in the strong, consistent beating of his heart and with each breath his chest glided in and out. He smelled fresh and sweet like the earth after it was bathed in rain.
He began to point out to lights which had looked so familiar in the day, but have seemed to transform in the night. We guessed the neighborhoods and which store was which, followed by the occasional laugh that vibrated through his chest and tickled my face.
Awhile later we began to walk down the hill and through the streets until we got to the fork in the road where we went separate ways. We stood underneath a lamppost with the orange light illumining us in the darkened night.
He stared down into my eyes and a playful smile crept onto his face. He held me close in a last embrace. He pulled back softly holding my hands in his, he began to lean towards me and kissed me softly.
He departed slowly and with step he took I missed him more and yearned to feel his embrace. After standing still under the pale orange light for a few minutes I began to walk home.
My whole body buzzed with excitement as I jumped a fence, walked into my house and got ready to sleep.
That was the last time I ever saw my beloved friend; he died the next day.
How It Feels Just To Breathe With No Air
The car shifts and grumbles on the rock laden road. A beat up truck cruised along, it had rust covering more of it's surface than paint and the left tire in the back is extremely flat. Each rock we hit I'm slammed against the side of the truck and I'm positive that this truck is going to explode if we go any further.
As if this ride couldn't get any worse it was, starting with when I was thrown into the back wrapped in a potato sack with my hands and feet bound together....
A slimy wet cloth is choking me and some fume soaked into the linen swept up into my lungs. My brain begun to careen out of control and all I could do was lay down and pass out.
I come to my senses and start panicking when I realize I am in a claustrophobic potato sack. I willed myself to take deep breaths and stay as calm as possible but that's pretty hard when I've realize I have been kidnapped.
A few more hours and the truck coughs to a halt. I listen closely to try and determine where we could possibly be. Unstoppable tears careen off my face and all my hope begins to crumple in on itself like plastic in a blazing fire. "I love you" forms on my lips for my family, but I know that it won't ever make it to them.
The doors open and slam simultaneously and I hear the men's ruffled low voices continue the conversation from when they were in the car.
"I've told you that we've been duped." said one on the left side of me.
The other man yelled "Well then what are we supposed to do with her?!"
I could sense their gazes had fallen upon me and I almost shrieked, because I could almost feel their hands on me again, picking me up and ripping me away from my house.
They went to the hood of the car and began to whisper together and as much as I possibly strained my ears I could not hear what they had planned for me.
I began to panic, the air in this sack was becoming tight and humid, my asthma began to kick in.
They came back to the end of the truck, opened up the latch and hopped up into the back of the truck and stood inches from me.
All at once they grabbed me from the sack and held a chunk of my hair and ripped me forward into the darkness.
Now I could see where I was and I started screaming as they pulled me closer and closer to the water of the ocean. The cool sand prickled my feet and I tried pulling away and fighting but it was all too painful.
Tears blurred my vision and my ears began to ring.
Before I knew it water had elapsed all around my body and I felt encased as if in jell-o. I tried struggling and clawing at whoever was behind me but he was far too strong for me to do anything.
Fear pumped through my body as I realized this was the end. There is no other feeling like how it feels to breathe with no air. Because you can't
Water raged in and out and I tried to scream as my chest began to burn like a fire had lit inside my lungs and blackness began to take over my vision.
My body grew weak and I try once more to flail and try to escape but then it all went silent and I knew I had lost.
Soon after I became blinded by a light that encompassed my surroundings as far as I could see. I felt my legs move toward it so I let them.
I walked into the light and I never looked back
because I couldn't.
As if this ride couldn't get any worse it was, starting with when I was thrown into the back wrapped in a potato sack with my hands and feet bound together....
A slimy wet cloth is choking me and some fume soaked into the linen swept up into my lungs. My brain begun to careen out of control and all I could do was lay down and pass out.
I come to my senses and start panicking when I realize I am in a claustrophobic potato sack. I willed myself to take deep breaths and stay as calm as possible but that's pretty hard when I've realize I have been kidnapped.
A few more hours and the truck coughs to a halt. I listen closely to try and determine where we could possibly be. Unstoppable tears careen off my face and all my hope begins to crumple in on itself like plastic in a blazing fire. "I love you" forms on my lips for my family, but I know that it won't ever make it to them.
The doors open and slam simultaneously and I hear the men's ruffled low voices continue the conversation from when they were in the car.
"I've told you that we've been duped." said one on the left side of me.
The other man yelled "Well then what are we supposed to do with her?!"
I could sense their gazes had fallen upon me and I almost shrieked, because I could almost feel their hands on me again, picking me up and ripping me away from my house.
They went to the hood of the car and began to whisper together and as much as I possibly strained my ears I could not hear what they had planned for me.
I began to panic, the air in this sack was becoming tight and humid, my asthma began to kick in.
They came back to the end of the truck, opened up the latch and hopped up into the back of the truck and stood inches from me.
All at once they grabbed me from the sack and held a chunk of my hair and ripped me forward into the darkness.
Now I could see where I was and I started screaming as they pulled me closer and closer to the water of the ocean. The cool sand prickled my feet and I tried pulling away and fighting but it was all too painful.
Tears blurred my vision and my ears began to ring.
Before I knew it water had elapsed all around my body and I felt encased as if in jell-o. I tried struggling and clawing at whoever was behind me but he was far too strong for me to do anything.
Fear pumped through my body as I realized this was the end. There is no other feeling like how it feels to breathe with no air. Because you can't
Water raged in and out and I tried to scream as my chest began to burn like a fire had lit inside my lungs and blackness began to take over my vision.
My body grew weak and I try once more to flail and try to escape but then it all went silent and I knew I had lost.
Soon after I became blinded by a light that encompassed my surroundings as far as I could see. I felt my legs move toward it so I let them.
I walked into the light and I never looked back
because I couldn't.
Thinking but not Remembering
I run up and down the stairs, sing my favorite opera song, type my essay on a typewriter, and still nothing happens.
Should I be upset that I am still the same, that my brain hasn't exploded and have ideas flood my head like a typhoon?
I never could summon my soul when need be. It likes to be alone as if it is a daughter who has a non understanding father. It closes the door shut and will never be reasonable.
It always seems to be bad before the good. My brain is like my mouth in that neither have a filter and I've always wondered is there some place I can buy one??
I succumb to Pogo sticking in my front yard, licking the fur of my dog, and dancing like a lunatic.
But it never works.
I start to wonder "why does nothing I think of ever work".
I lose hope and maybe I am not creative!
This is not meant for me, it's for that other guy down the street that takes weird pictures of his muscles.
Because he has an art gallery,
and I don't.
The hardest part of being an artist is not thinking but remembering.
Remembering what it felt like
and the rush that filled my veins
how I could ever live without this feeling
Remembering Creativity.
Should I be upset that I am still the same, that my brain hasn't exploded and have ideas flood my head like a typhoon?
I never could summon my soul when need be. It likes to be alone as if it is a daughter who has a non understanding father. It closes the door shut and will never be reasonable.
It always seems to be bad before the good. My brain is like my mouth in that neither have a filter and I've always wondered is there some place I can buy one??
I succumb to Pogo sticking in my front yard, licking the fur of my dog, and dancing like a lunatic.
But it never works.
I start to wonder "why does nothing I think of ever work".
I lose hope and maybe I am not creative!
This is not meant for me, it's for that other guy down the street that takes weird pictures of his muscles.
Because he has an art gallery,
and I don't.
The hardest part of being an artist is not thinking but remembering.
Remembering what it felt like
and the rush that filled my veins
how I could ever live without this feeling
Remembering Creativity.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Different
I never do my assignments so I'm being different by doing one haha.
Love don't die
its what I say it's not what I do.
Your love it was only pretend
I'd turn around if you beg me to stay
heart breaker with an ego
I've got more to say
that aint no compliment thats the truth that's why I am leaving you
buh duh nuh nuh du du du
I'm leaving youuuuu
dadaddaaaawawayayaya
all I am
in my hands
but I stand
lets have an adventure
gravitys centered
one love
too coolowowowowoollddd
here and now
knoooooowwww
not much to say
so far away
ya love the taste yeaah
a place I've been dreamin of
we can dance like there is no tomorrow
of time and spaaaaaceee
I gotta do high
I gotta do all of it
I can feel the city crumblin around me
Can't seem to find my way
it went away so fast
got to let go
so here we go!
I can feel the heart beat underneath the concrete just like a kid drawing planes
Now rap it.
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