Thursday, January 9, 2014

Lost in Paris

I walk through the crowded streets occasionally bumping shoulders with another person. I accept the little curses sent my way with open arms because those words now a days seem better than none.

Rain courses down through the gutters and onto the cobble stone streets as the shadowed sky cries down onto the hustle bustle of the streets of Paris. Everyone seems to have a purpose, a place where they belong in this city.

A home to come back to after a long day of work, a store to work in that has opened its doors late into the night. I stare down at my feet as they whisk up bits of water into the air every step that I take. It was only a moment, but when I looked back up everyone had disappeared. Shadows of the night began swallowing the shops around me and a fog started to settle in.

It was dusk not too long ago but the time in here is a lot faster than out there. I try to remember the faces of the ones I had seen, but they all seem to elude me and leave me alone again in this nonexistence. For you see I am invisible to everyone and everything and I have been since I can remember. You can feel me, but I cannot you.

I walk among you and I talk just like you, but yet no matter what I try I can never be seen. I have stayed here,watching maybe waiting, waiting for one more chance I know will never come.

For I have been lost in Paris among no souls either living or passed. I have walked these streets alone, and wanting for what I used to have. I used to be an artist, way back in the day and now I'm just lost in my way.

I can tell you that here, in Paris it is so beautiful and exciting to admire, but my heart begins to fade as so is this fire. It's beginning to get cold out in these rain soaked streets, either with tears or with the chilled rain.

Living in Paris was not all in vain, I feel myself slipping, and falling away I hope to live again in Paris one day, away from all my pain.

Help me Help You

 Lets talk for realzies this time like real hardcore real real.

 I am not going to hide it like my parents do.. Shoving the unwanted mess into the closet... Because we all know that if we don't see it, it must not be there.

Well IT IS there and will always be there. It's always going to be the elephant in the room as we sit and eat dinner. The elephant in the room as we talk about who is going to give you a ride home because we all know you got your license suspended. THE elephant in the room when we all know you only go to hang out with your "friends" on the weekends so you can drink, become drunk and pass out a couple hours later on somebody's couch.

The elephant in the room because I have an alcoholic sister.

I have a sister who lies to me without batting an eye. I have a sister who was angry when I found out she was in jail because she wants me to see her as some bullshitty rolemodel. If she "loved" me that much why does she despise hanging around me SO much?!

I have a sister who will only tell you what you "want" to hear, because everything else takes effort. I have a sister who used to be my best friend. I have a sister who everyone wants to hear about what she is doing with her life. What the hell am I supposed to say? "Ah yeah my sister is doing great spending her birthday in jail and lying in a drunken stupor on the weekends while you just got off your mission".

I have a sister who used to listen to what I would say. I have a sister who used to hug me and not push me away from her. I have a sister who knows what hell she is putting my parents through and continues to do it. I have a sister who puts the self in selfie because it is all about her.

 I have a sister who makes me cry at night as I wonder what all time low it is going to take to get my beloved sister back. I have a sister who will not let me help her.

Please, Help me Help you.